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Last evening was a pleasant one – smudged clouds added vanilla flavour to the cyan sky where eagles, crows and small birds continuously made their presence felt; some green toddlers swayed to the tunes of the breeze without leaving their roots, and people walked, drove across, and ran by me while I sat and paused to look at the world go by. But I was not aiming to observe this beauty of the moving world, I positioned myself on those stairs simply because room felt a suffocated place to be. I was looking for one moment of peace of mind after which I could again start my engine, but often when you ask for lime soda, life just hands you lemons. I stayed muted and glued to the steps for as long as the blue had transitioned to black and then I took a step back to my room as there were no stars, no moon I could catch a glimpse of, and the night was just as much artificially lit as was my room – with lamps.

I stepped back to my room, lost in the argument of thoughts that was happening inside of me. It’s ironic that a rebelliously chaotic situation shuts you up. I don’t remember hearing the clunk of my lock as I opened and shut my door. Neither did I hear any music in the corridor. I remember hearing screeches of a disconcerted mind, cries of an innocent heart, and noise of a radiant tube light. My hands as if following a routine unknowingly slipped inside my pocket and took my phone out. And the next moment I was on the bed facing towards the wall, away from anything else that was in the room.

YouTube! My fingers accustomed to the path, moved to the home screen on the right and opened it up. The recommendations from youtube listed “Friends season 7 funny scenes”, “Best of Joey in friends”, “Best of Krushna and Sudesh”, “WWE Top 10 returns 2015” and few gadget related videos.

I remembered how I was also a boy inspired from superheroes. When I felt pain, I yawped…I put cracks on the wall…I took it out with a dark blue pen on the paper…Maybe I even cried…but I never left the painful road. I never turned my back to the bullets. I had died a hundred nights and born once again in the morning. But here I was today oblivious of when I had matured from adulthood to escapehood.

I never did drugs, never smoked and didn’t become fond of alcohol once in life. I knew these *can* become a way of escaping your problems and I never wanted to escape. I believed in letting the scars come up on you – they only show your bravery, never your failure. Yet here I was taking refuge in escapehood, in a different and more 21st century way – Social Networks. I recognized whenever my mind was stacked up with problems whose solutions were deeper than how much I could dig, my cold hands magically started scrolling down the feeds of instagram, of youtube, of facebook, looking for one breaking story or image or video that could divert my mind. The stark realization that this had grown on me and I don’t know when and how shook my spine. It exposed a bitter truth – my brain can go on to work against my own life as a desperate measure to things it could not comprehend but wanted to get rid of. This was the moment when brain felt ashamed, and liable for its cowardly act.

Youtube recommendations were still in front of my eyes but my fingers knew what path to take. I pressed the home button, locked my phone and roared back at the entangled wires inside myself. However, soon with the colorless blood bursting out on my face, I closed my eyes to sleep. I did not win the war yesterday, but I did not escape the battlefield either. I died as a martyr for myself, and I rose again today…Stronger. The conflict may have remained unsolved but I did meet a small moment of peace of mind I was looking for.

Published in A page from diary Thoughts


  1. Ipsita Ipsita

    Today, I am living those words which were written by you quite a while ago. I realize the emotions reflected in them, and I hope to stay on in the battlefield till I grow stronger.

    • You’re courageous, and have a very good understanding of what’s right. You’ll get through. Very soon.
      Stick to the battlefield, it is yours. It is meant to be yours. If you do not succeed today, battlefield shall stay and wait for you to be victorious tomorrow.

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